The many Portrayals of Harry Potter
by Dark Goddess Vanmoriel
Summary: A collection of character responses to the content of some of the fanfics written and some of the events in the books. Note: I am not writing this to complain about what is written in the fanfiction, or the books on the contrary, all of the stuff I have r
1. Harry and Draco on The Gay Pairings

Note: I have Nothing against all the Harry/Draco stories that everyone write, in fact I quite like them, this is just a character response to the situation. Enjoy!

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It was a lovely sunny day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and everything seemed perfect to Harry James Potter. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and happy students were everywhere.

"Hell, even _Snape _is happy!" Harry said to himself, laughing at the thought. "Now, where are Ron and Hermione?" Harry was puzzled, but continued down to the great hall nonetheless.  
_Hm...I wonder whether Malfoy is happy…Snape is…_Harry's thoughts were interrupted by the very man himself.

"Potter! I wish to speak with you." _Okay, maybe not happy. What does he want now? Is he still on about the whole 'me putting his dad in prison and therefore ruining his ego' thing? Maybe its something else.._

"What do you want to talk about, ferret boy?"

"Just a quick chat, no insults involved." Harry narrowed his eyes. Draco was clutching a stack of parchment, all in neat order.

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing? I just wanted to show you something."

"Alright, make it quick. I have my own things to do, like meeting Ron and Hermione."

"Oh, don't worry, scarhead, they're pretty much preoccupied as it is." Draco smirked, but Harry didn't catch it. They both continued walking, heading out the doors and into the grounds. To Harry's surprise, they are deserted, and the lovely afternoon had turned into a lovely evening. The sun was setting, casting a dull red light onto everything, and a soft wind blew through the trees.

"Wha—What happened to the lovely afternoon, with the sun shining, and the birds singing, and the happy students everywhere?"

"That is exactly what I wanted to talk about. Have you heard of course I have."

"It's a web thingamabobby, where muggles go and put up stories about movies and Telesomething shows that they watch, and—What oh earth are you smirking for, Potter? This isn't funny!"

"Its not that."

"Then?"

" I was only wondering about how Draco Lucious Malfoy, the great pureblood prince of all time, would know so much about the muggles he supposedly despises." Draco's eyes widened, and a crimson blush stained his pale face.

"That-That's none of your business, Potter! I-I learned it from-from muggle studies!"

"You don't take muggle studies." Draco mentally slapped himself.

"Alright, so I know a bit about muggles. Who doesn't? That's beside the point anyway. I wanted to talk about the type of stories they put up on this site."

"And what type of stories might those be?"

"Stories about you and me, Potter."

"What?"

"People think it hilarious to make up homosexual stories." As harry wasn't feeling very bright today, his train of thought was somewhat slower.

_Me…malfoy…_

_Homosexual…gay…_

_Stories…_

_Homosexual stories…gay stories…_

"_Stories about you and me, Potter".That means…_

_Wait.. Gay…Me…Malfoy…_

_Me and Malfoy…Gay…_

_OHMEEGAWD! They're making gay stories about me and Malfoy!_

"OHMEEGAWD! They're making gay stories about you and me!"

"Wow, Potter, you sure catch on fast." Harry rolled his eyes.

"What are we going to do?"

"Well, read one for starters." Grabbing the parchment from Draco's outstretched hand, he started to read…

A few hours later…

"I quite liked that "Dragon Tamer" One. It was good."

"You mean you actually liked us having kinky monkey sex, Potter?" Harry felt himself growing hot.

"No! I meant the..the language."

" Ah, I see. Well then, I rather enjoyed "Cling or The Prank", and "Shades of Noir". They were quite enjoyable."

"Then what about the gay thing, then? What can we do about that?"

"Nothing. Its not up to us. For all we know, the author who is typing this up right now is getting sick ideas."

"Malfoy, be careful. Authors can do terrible things to you."

"Oh, come on, Potter, what is the worst that could--" Draco blinked. Was it just him, or was harry looking hot? Draco rubbed his eyes, trying to erase the images of harry's qudditch-Toned muscles.

"Something in your eye, Draco?" Harry clapped his mouth over his hands. Did he just call Malfoy Draco? Slip of the tongue, probably.

"erm…anyways. Was there anything else you wanted to say, Dr—Malfoy?" Draco, who was still rubbing his eyes, stopped and nodded. Harry was still looking incredibly attractive. He tried to ignore it as he continued talking.

"There's also the whole Cliché situation. Its where you and I either secretly like each other, then shag and fall in love, or pretend to like each other, the like becomes real, then we shag and fall in love, or one of us is dared to seduce the other, but it turns into a crush, then we shag and fall in love, or--"

"Alright, Alright!" I get the point. Ugh, why is everything related to shagging?"

"Its what the fans want. The Author is probably going to make us ki--" Draco was stopped short by Harry's mouth on his own. Draco quickly pulled away.

"Potter, what in Merlin's name do you think you're doing ?"

"Its not me! It's the cliché!" Harry wrapped his arms around a nearby tree, struggling to regain control of his legs, which were currently walking by themselves.

"Draco, run! Or I'll screw you like theres no tomorrow?"

"Okay, i—Wait, did you just call me Draco?"

"Run you blonde git!" And for the first time in his like, Draco obeyed his arch rival. He scrambled to his feet and fled for his life. He threw a glance over his shoulder, only to find (to his horror) that Harry was no longer holding on to the tree, but running full speed towards him.

"AAAAAARGH!" Harry caught up to Draco and tackled him, crushing his lips against his. _Damn, shouldn't have opened my mouth, _Draco thought, as he felt Harry's tongue enter his mouth. He tried to push it out, but Harry wouldn't let him.

_Oh dear Lord, help me, I'm being choked by the tongue of a half-blood, and my own ARCH RIVAL!_

_Maybe I should just give up._

_Yep. I'm giving up._

_Actually, this is quite nice._

_Harry tastes like strawberries…mmm…strawberries._

Harry suddenly snapped out of his frenzy, and surveyed himself. He was currently kissing his enemy, who seemed to be frozen. Harry, feeling very embarrassed, pulled himself off Draco.

"Er…Sorry about that…The Homo thing, you know, just—Just took over. No con—Oh, hell no! Don't stare at me like that?" It was Harry's turn to scramble to his feet. Unfortunately, he wasn't much faster than Draco, and the blonde was soon upon him, kissing him like there was no tomorrow.

Draco suddenly snapped out of his frenzy, and surveyed himself. He was currently kissing his enemy, who seemed to be frozen. Feeling very embarrassed, just like Harry had, he pulled himself off the boy and brushed himself off.

"Ahem…my apologies, Potter…The whole "gay" thing, you know, just couldn't stop it. No con—Oh, dear God! Stay away!" Once again, Draco was the one to scramble to his feet. Unfortunately, he wasn't much faster than Draco, and the blonde was soon upon him, kissing him like there was no tomorrow.

A few minutes later……

"Jesus, Malfoy! Back off, Back OFF!"

.  
And almost an hour later…

"Potter, you gorgeous git, stop shoving your tongue down my throat!"

About three hours later, three figures stood at the window of the astronomy tower, watching the two teenagers chase each other.

" Well, I must say, Lucious, it must be a terrible loss, finding your son is a pouf."

"Not so much, Lord Voldemort. I always knew he had it in him. He takes after his father, obviously." Voldemort looked over and Lucious, an eyebrow raised.

"So it was you and…"

"Snape."

"Ah. Well, Dumbledore, you know that when this is over, we shall have to resume being enemies, and Lucious shall have to be portkeyed back to Azkaban?" Dumbledore nodded his head.

"Yes, I do know, although it is rather nice to not be at each other throats, I daresay?" Voldemort and Lucious sighed, then turned to the fourth figure.

"Vanmoriel, perhaps you could keep this little…Run around going so the four of us can have some tea?" Vanmoriel nodded. "Of course, Tom. It is already done. Come now, I have a tea that the muggle world has had for a while. Vanilla berry. I assume you will enjoy it." The four figured exited the astronomy tower, but not before the author whispered to herself,

"I love my job."


	2. Voldemort on the whole Dark Lord THing

This fic is more of silliness than actual reading. My LOVELY cough sister contributed quite a few SILLY ideas to this. We were laughing our heads off. Its all very silly.

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Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was absolutely, outrageously bored. He had tried all the magic tricks in the book. Reading the minds of a fair few students in Hogwarts was the first- Hermione Granger had been interesting, in an intellectual sort of way. Who knew there was a potion that give you a complete gender change? Pity she only used it on Ron. _Severus Snape, _now that would have been a laugh. Dumbledore laughed to himself, picturing Snape nancing around with a basket of posies, in a frilly black summer dress. He shuddered.

Then…There was Sybill Trelawney. Oh, That was horrific. He was just tapping into her mind…

"_Ah, tasty, tasty indeed. I never foresaw THIS coming…Must admit though, those hooves were hard to get past.."_

_OH NO! She's finally eaten Firenze!Oh dear…_

Dubmledore retched. That would leave terrible mental images.

Then he had tried a variety of different spells to keep him amused. Of course, they worked for a little while, especially the one that made you laugh for no good reason. He had first laughed because Fawkes feather had fallen to the ground, then he had laughed at the fact that he had laughed at Fawkes' feather falling, then he had laughed at the fact that he had just laughed at the fact that he had just laughed at the fact that Fawkes' feather fell onto the ground. Then he…Well, lets keep to the fact that the laughing went on for quite a while.

Then…after spells, wordless spells, wandless magic, reading minds, battling with random teachers, watching levetision (or letevision? He would never get that word right), and annoying Snape, he had only one last hope left…

His trusty plays station.

A couple of hours later found Dumbledore playing 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets'.

"Die, you moldy, ugly old spiders! Yeah! That's more like it! Hahah! _Incendio, INCENDIO! _NO!" HE groaned. This was terrible! HE had lost! A sudden knock on the door made him forget his high score for the moment.

"Hmm…A visitor. Maybe its Minerva. Or maybe its hagrid, he is rather nice to talk to . Or maybe its Harry. Yes, its probably Harry, the poor boy has so many troubles, what, with being 'The-Boy-Who-Lived". Unfortunate lad is probably running from rabid fangirls or whatnot. I had better to help him." Indeed, the banging was getting louder, more urgent. So Dumbledore stood up from his game, walked over to the polished mahogany door, and happily opened it

Harry Potter he expected, or Rubeus Hagrid, or even Minerva McGonagall would have been lovely, but when Dumbledore opened the door, he did not expect _this. _There, in all his dark splendour, stood Lord Volemort himself, You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the Dark Lord himself. Dumbledore smiled calmly.

"ah, Tom. What can I do for you?" Voldemort swept past him and faced him, wand pointed out.

"You know very well what you can do for me, Dumbledore." Dumbledore tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"Um…I'm afraid not, dear boy. I can't say I do."

"Come now, Professor, can you think of nothing that I need?" Voldemort coughed, something that sounded oddly like 'Potter'.

"hmm…Nothing has come to mind yet. Perhaps you would care to enlighten me?"

"Its _very_ dark, and oh so sweet…"

"Revenge?" Voldemort slapped his forehead, something very unlike him. Dumbledore was starting to get worried now, although it didn't show on his face.

"What is it you want, Tom?"

"…Tea." Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, and smiled.

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Voldemort shrugged, conjuring a black pouffe and seating himself in it, as Dumbledore busied himself with the tea.

"Sugar, Tom?"

"Four lumps."

"Milk?"

"None, thanks, Dumbledore. Remember, dark and sweet." Dumbledore handed him the cup, and Voldemort gratefully sipped from it. He looked up, only to see Dumbledore peering at him over his half moon glasses. He started, and scowled.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you its rude to stare?" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with amusement.

"Why, no, I can't say she did, Tom. Although she did tell me to never to befriend a blast ended skrewt." Dumbledore's face grew serious. "But that is not why you're here, is it? Tom Marvolo Riddle never visits anyone, least of all me, without a reason. Why _are _you here, Tom?" Voldemort sighed. Where to begin?

"Well, Albus, it starts like this. For sixteen years, I've been after Harry Potter. When he was but a little child, I merely pointed my wan at him and attempted to kill him. But he somehow escaped that, leaving me very weak and tired. The, in his first year of school, he annihilated the body I was living off, and turned me into a ghost type creature. Second year, I came back as a memory, and tried to kill him using the basilisk from the chamber of secrets. But he killed the basilisk with that damn Gryffindor sword" (Here, he glared at the gleaming sword sitting in a glass case on one of Dumbledore's shelves)

"And he ruined my memory form. Fourth year, I used the triwizard cup to portkey him to me, and engaged in a duel with him. Even then, just as a fourteen year old, he defeated me, with the help of his parents and friends. In his fifth year, I attempted to kill him once more, in the Ministry of magic, but you were there to rescue him."

"Yes, dreadfully sorry about that." Dumbledore patted his shoulder. "So why are you here?" Voldemort placed his head in his hands.

"Its just… I'm tired of being evil. Have you ever felt like that, Albus? Tired of being who you are?"

"Personally, yes. I don't mind being the wizarding worlds' most powerful wizard, but it would be nice to be treated like a human being, not like a godly figure."

"That's exactly what I mean! Take last week, for example. I felt bored, what with being in hiding and all, so I went out to Hogsmeade for a few items, just a few robes and such. You won't believe the commotion on the streets! People running and screaming, children crying. Terrible! The only upside is that I got everything for free! But whats the point of being loaded with galleons, sickles and knuts if you can't spend any of it! So I offered some to a shop, but she just fainted! So I went to Diagon alley, hoping that they would be a little more open minded, and _civil_, but noooo! It worse there! People screaming and running, children crying, and men aiming curses at me! I had to walk around with a shield around me for five hours! _FIVE HOURS!_ Do you know what that does to a mans' skin? I—" Voldemort was interrupted by the door bursting open, and a very frightened Ronald Weasley bursting through it.

"Professor! Professor! Vo-Vol" he strained to say the name, but failed miserably, so he opted for another route. "You-Know-Who is at Hogwarts!" Ron stopped. 'You-Know-Who' was in one of the pouffes, sipping tea in a depressed manner. So Ronald Weasley did the only thing a Male who just met the most powerful dark wizard on earth could do. He screamed like a woman.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Vo-You Know Who!"

That was when Voldemort cracked.

"There! Right There! You see what I have to put up with?" Voldemort cried, placing his cup angrily on the table. "Oh, I HATE Being evil!" And with that, he put his head in his hands and sobbed.

"Oh, Mr. Weasley, did you really have to do that? Look, you've upset the poor lad!" Ron looked ashamed of himself. He walked towards the sobbing dark lord.

"Sir…Mister Riddle, I'm really sorry. Here, have a hankerchief. Its black, just like your heart!" Ron realised what he had just said when Voldemort wailed and dew his knees up to his chest, breaking out in a fresh wave of sobs

"No one understands me! I have no one! NO ONE!" Ron and Dumbledore both patted his shoulders. Ron kept patting his back, while Dumbledore made another cup of tea.

"There there, Tom, its alright. You have me. I feel your pain. I mean, when I found out that JK Rowling killed me off, I was slightly disappointed. But look how well it turned out for me!"

"Yeah, Mr. Riddle, at least you're still alive. And you have an excellent role. Main evil villain! What about that, huh? All I am is the clumsy sidekick!" Voldemort looked up, eyes still watering, and drew in a shaky breath.

"That's it, Mr. Riddle. Deep breaths. There we go. I think that you're the best evil person I've ever met! You're smart, powerful, witty, articulate, and you're incredibly handsome bloke! The women all go for the bad boys just as much as the heroes, trust me!" Voldemort blinked.

"R-really?"

"Honestly. And you have me as a friend too. Just feel free to owl. I'll explain to my family about the _real _you."

"You-You would do that?" Dumbledore clapped a hand to his back, making him choke on his tea.

"Of course he will! And I will too! You can stay at the house of black with us if you want. Sirius, after dying, had retreated into the country, leaving it quite empty. And its all cleaned up!" Both Ron and Dumbledore beamed. Voldemort smiled, and shook hands with the both of them.

"Thank you both. You know what? I _am _evil! Its who I am! And if other don't like it..Then…Then they can shove it!"

"That's a boy, Tom!"

"You go, Mr. Riddle!"

"You can call me Tom, Ron. I think you've earned that privilege."

"Okay…Tom." Voldemort grinned.

"Say, how about the three of us go for a drink and a spot of shopping? Its on me!"

"Ooh, okay! But what about your evil look? People will try to kill you!"

"A quick spell can change that."

"Goodie. What are we waiting for?

"And together, the three wizards walked happily out the door.

And somewhere, within the misty, over perfumed depths of her office, Sybill Trelawney was just finishing the remainders of…

…Roast pig.

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This was written merely to calm my hyper..ness…Hope you enjoyed it though!


	3. Hermione and Ginny on their 'Changes'

Note: I find none of the fics that are mentioned in this story terrible, or even bad, its just that they contain the right kind of information that I'm looking for. On the contrary, the ones I mention are the ones I like the most.

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Virginia Weasley paced the lengths of the library, apparently talking to herself.

"Where on earth is Hermione? I contacted her half an hour ago! This situation is not only important, but it is also terrible! Its disgusting! Its appauling! IT MUST STOP!"

"Whats must stop now?" Hermione Granger's bushy mane of hair appeared around the corner.

"This! Read this!" Ginny thrust two heaps of parchment, one entitled "Sweet Temptations", and another entitled "Rawk on 111" under Hermione's nose, and the redhead took it and began to read…

A few minutes later, Hermione finished reading, and her eyes were wide.

"Why, This is…hey, why are you always with Malfoy?" Ginny shrugged, and Hermione gave her a sympathetic look before reverting to the subject.

"I feel sorry for you Gin, I really do, but weren't you going to say something? I promise we'll talk about it later." Ginny nodded, and Hermione continued.

"Right, Sorry, Hermes. This Current situation is.."

"Spit it out, woman!" Ginny glared. "Sorry.."

"That you and I are being portrayed as sluts!"

"we are?" Hermione re-scanned the fic. Her eyes widened.

"Hey! I would never wear that!"

"Er..'Mione?"

"Yes?"

"You're wearing that now.." And sure enough, as Hermione Granger, the most bookish bookworm of Hogwarts history looked down in horror, she was, indeed, wearing extremely revealing and slutty, not to mention, whore-ish clothing. She gasped, and tried to cover her self with her large textbook. Ginny could only stare in amusement and try not to giggle. Hermione glared daggers at her friend.

"GINNY! This isn't funny! I feel like I'm not wearing anything! What do we do?"

"Well, for starters, 'we' could come up to the boys dorm and 'we' cold have some fun." Hermione's eyes widened (again), and she turned around in shock.

"Gods, Ron! Since when have you learned to dish out such cheesy lines?" Ron hung his head.

"Sorry.."

"You had better be. Get out!" After Ron's hast retreat, Hermione turned to Ginny.

"Well, What are we to do?" Ginny thought for a moment, then turned back to the older girl.

"To the common room. And fast."

It was a _very _hard task, maneuvering Hermione through the halls and corridors without people noticing. It was pelting rain outside, and people were indoors-Therefore the sight of an over-cheery Ginny, with a scantily dressed and very embarrassed Hermione hiding behind her was a sight to see.

"Hey, hot stuff, can I stir your cauldron sometime? I'll pay extra!"

"Bugger OFF!" Ginny yelled, making the Ravenclaw sixth year slink away. She turned back, only to see that Hermione had vanished.

_Oh, the poor thing must be in the bathrooms, crying her eyes out. Men are such bastards sometimes! _Ginny ran towards the nearest bathrooms, only to find…

"Hermione!" Hermione and Pansy looked up.

"What?"

"What in Merlin's beard are you doing?" Hermione looked at the contract, which had been charmed to fill in all the blanks to suit her liking.

_I, Hermione Granger, Am hereby signing this contract to gain membership into "S.L.U.T", the secret and shelter for all whores and sluts to feel safe. I will, at all costs, keep the club a secret unless instructed to do so._

_Rules of the Club:_

_attempt to "conquer" at least one person per day, male or female._

_age is not an issue._

_Conservative clothes are not uniform. Remember, the skimpier, the better!_

_Professors are not out of bounds._

_Never accept anything under three Galleons._

_Signature of Member _

_Signature of Leader_

Ginny looked at Pansy in disgust, as Hermione dropped the parchment as though it had burned her.

"Ginny! You have to help me! I don't know what is going on!"

"I do!" A little voice singsonged, as a girl appeared in a puff of black smoke. She was quite short, with wavy jet black hair with crimson streaks, and violet eyes. Hermione raised her eyebrows.

"You can't apparate or—"

"Disapparate in the castle grounds, I know, I know. But hey, Its _my_ story, and I can do what I like!" Ginny glared.

"So _you're _behind the whole 'hermione turning into a whore' thing! Who are you?"

"I'm Mori! I'm controlling you guys!"

"You're _WHAT_?"

"I'm controlling you guys. This is a story. And you guys are characters. Ginny, I could turn you into a punk rocker If I wanted to. And Hermione, I could make you fall for snape!" Hermione flinched.

"No! He's an ugly old bat!"

"Not in this picture!" Mori waved a sketch in front of the girls. Pansy was the first to grab it.

"Wow, not bad. Did you draw this?"

"Nope."

"Lemme see!" Hermione gaped. Snape was no longer a thin, sallow faced old bat. He was…_muscly…_and…_handsome._ Hermoine blushed.

"He's…Not bad…"

"That's not the point! Turn 'Mione back to the way she was!"

"Hmm…Maybe not. I like her like this. And I think I'll change you too." A puff of smoke later, and Ginny was punk. She was now wearing black bondage pants, and a slashed black shirt with the words 'Anarchy' in blood red. Ginny looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing thick black eyeliner, along with red eyeshadow, to match her hair, which was now stick straight. Her ears were pierced six times, with a tiny glittering Jewel in each ear. She smiled.

"Its actually quite…No! What would the professors say?"

"Its either that, or goth."

"This is good. I like it. Yep. But what about Hermione?"

"I think she can stay like that. Slut!Hermione is funny."

"No! Wait!" Too late. The evil little girl was already gone. Ginny sighed.

"Come on, 'Mione, we'd better…'Mione? Hermione? Oh, now where is she?" Ginny rushed out of the bathrooms. Hermione was nowhere in sight.

"Looking for someone, Ginny?" Harry walked up to her. His hair was quite ruffled, and he was gasping for breath.

"Yeah, Hermione ran off, I can't find her?. Have you seen her?"

"No, sorry, Gin." Suddenly Ginny noticed Harry's appearance.

"Harry, are you alright?"

"Yeah..Just…Er…That git Malfoy again. Bye!" And with that, Harry sped off. Ginny looked puzzled, then resumed her search.

A couple of hours later, Ginny arrived, panting at the common room. The only occupants, Seamus Finnigan and Parvati, looked up from their game of chess.

"Ginny? You alright?"

"Yeah, fine thanks, Seamus. Where Hermione? I've been looking for her for ages."

"Since when have you been punk?"

"Since now. Hermione?" Seamus and Parvati merely pointed towards the couch. Seamus looked amused, while Parvati looked happy. Ginny followed their fingers, until she saw it.

Hermione.

On the couch.

Snogging…

Ron.

"Hermione!"

"What? He's cute!" Ron looked up, a goofy grin on his face.

"Heehee…Shes pretty." Ron slurred.

"Ugh…Well, if you can't beat them, join them."

"Right you are. Come join the club. We're punk, too."

"Alright, why not?"

Ah, the strange happenings at Hogwarts.


	4. Snape on being an Evil Git

Note: This one is set just after the fist little story, the one about Harry and Draco. Just so you know….

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Snape paced the hallways angrily, grumbling to himself. It was a beautiful sunny day— the little fluffy birdies were chirping their little hearts out, and the ickle students skipping merrily, hand in hand.

He HATED it.

All he wanted to do was return to calming silence of his beloved dungeons and brew a dreamless sleep draught to shut out all the happiness.

Or else go and scare some first years.

The latter came into effect as he was thinking it; a large group of first years—_Hufflepuffs, Even better! _Thought Snape— rounded the corner, chattering away like there was no tomorrow.

_They get smaller every year, _thought Snape to himself before he rounded on them. As soon as they caught sight of him, they froze in their tracks and quailed under his death glare.

"Do you imbeciles have any idea of what you are doing?" He said in a quiet, sinister voice. The first years shook their heads in terror. One of them was stupid enough to answer his question.

"Um…Taking a walk?" Snape decided to keep the quiet, sinister thing going for a while, before exploding.

"Taking a walk, you say? And can you tell me WHERE that is?" His voice lowered even more, so that the first years had to scuttle closer to hear him. The same first year that had answered before decided to try his luck again.

"Um…We're down in the dungeons, sir. Its not a sin, we're just taking a walk." The other first years gasped and turned to face him. Boy, was he in trouble now. They all turned back to look at Snape and were very surprised to see him utterly calm. He pointed at the cheeky first year.

"What is your name?" The first year hesitated for a moment.

"James. James Green."

"Well, 'James. James Green', come over here." The Hufflepuff was hesitant.

"Come on, I won't bite." He thought he heard another Hufflepuff mutter "Yeah, Sure", but he ignored it. James Green inched closer.

"Closer." He obeyed.

"A little closer." He moved closer, until he was face to face with the potions master. Snape slowly stood up, and the poor James Green realised the fatal error of his bold mistake.

"IF I EVER CATH YOU COMING _NEAR _MY DUNGEONS AGAIN, OR EVEN _THINKING _ABOUT IT, I WILL PERSONALLY SEE TO IT THAT YOU WILL BE SCRUBBING EVERY FLOOR IN THIS CASTLE UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?" He roared. The first years jumped; a couple shrieked, and James Green cowered. Snape shot him his deadliest glare yet.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? OR SHOULD I INCREASE THAT PUNISHMENT TO TAKING CARE OF THE FORBIDDEN FOREST GREENERY, WHERE THE CENTAURS CAN HAVE YOU?" James Green nodded, then fainted. Snape turned to the other cowering hufflepuffs.

"You lot. Take him away before I decide that he will make a nice trophy to mount on my wall." They obeyed instantly, and quickly carried their friend out of sight.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Snape laughed to himself.

"I've still got it." He said, smirking. Then, suddenly…It happened.

While he was smirking.

Severus Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts, the evil greasy Git, the defense against the dark arts fanatic and possibly the meanest person in the history of mean people felt a slight pang of guilt.

Okay, maybe not slight.

Okay, maybe it was a little more than average.

Alright, maybe it was pretty big.

Or…colossal…

Snape repeatedly hit his head on the wall. This. Couldn't. Be. Happening!

"This. Can't. Be. Happening! Not now! Not while I'm making witches weekly Top Evil! I Might even beat Voldemort!" Snape groaned, and someone laughed. A High, cruel laugh.

"Well well well, Severus. Seems like the deatheater of Hogwarts has finally broken down. How does it feel on the other side?" Snape looked up. Lucius was right in front of him, sporting an uncharacteristic smile. Snape raised an eyebrow.

"What are you going on about?" Lucius' smile only widened.

"Ah, my poor sad potions master. Have you no idea?" he lowered his voice. "First, you don't notice it. But then one fine day, just when you're at your meanest, it starts to take hold. It starts with the guilt; small at first, but then it grows and feeds on you like a parasite. Then comes the sympathy. You'll start to feel sorry for _others, even if you don't want to. _You may try to fight it, my friend, but in the end…it'll happen."

Silence.

Then—

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Snape was screaming. the little fluffy birdies stopped chirping their little hearts out, in fear of their lives. The ickle students stopped skipping merrily, hand in hand, wondering what new monster was unleashed inside the castle.

"Shut up, Severus, Shut up!" Lucius hissed. Snape shut up. But then he started complaining.

"I'm the evil potion master of Hogwarts! Now I may well have to change my name to 'Severus would-you-like-a-hug Snape'! This is an outrage! I feel disgusted! I am disgusted! I…am…sad…"

Then it happened.

Again.

Severus Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts, the evil greasy Git, the defense against the dark arts fanatic and possibly the meanest person in the history of mean people did the only thing that a, evil, greasy, Git-ish, defense against the dark arts obsessive and possibly the meanest person in the history of mean people Potions Master of Hogwarts could do.

He broke down and cried.

And he cried.

And he cried.

Lucius, being a good evil friend (and having a HUGE crush on Snape), patted his shoulder affectionately (perhaps too affectionately).

"Oh, come on, my good friend. Its not bad. You can still wear black, and people will like you! You'll have _friends_!" Snape looked up, sniffling.

"F-friends?"

mysticalmusic.- Flashback - mysticalmusic 

"_Sev, I don't think we should be friends anymore."_

"_What? James, you can't be serious." James shook his head._

"_I AM serious. Lately, you've become really really obsessed with dark stuff…really really really obsessed with the dark arts. And as funny and friendly as you are…I hate the dark arts."_

"_well I like it."_

"_Well I don't."_

"_Well I do."_

"_Well then you're going to have to choose. Me or your dark arts." Severus paused. Then he knew what he had to do._

"_James…I pick…you." James grinned brightly._

"_Really?"_

"_No, you moron, I pick my dark arts!" Severus laughed evilly. "Friends come and go, but the dark arts will live forever!"_

_And with that he walked off._

"_Fine! Be like that! We'll so how your darks arts can save you later, when everyone is picking on you! I'm going to staple you to a wall by your pants!"_

_Snape wasn't listening. _

_From then on, he became Severus Snape, the evil greasy Git, the defense against the dark arts fanatic and possibly the meanest person in the history of mean people._

mysticalmusic.- End Flashback - mysticalmusic 

"James," whispered Snape. Then he hugged Lucius. Lucius hugged him back.

"See? Not so bad."

"Oooh! I have a good idea! Lets go to Hogsmeade and buy fun stuff!" Snape squealed

(Note: Yes, Snape is allowed to squeal. I can make Snape squeal. I can make snape dance the Macarena is I wanted to makes Snape dance the Macarena). Lucius nodded happily.

"Sounds good to me." Then they moth walked off Merrily hand in hand.

_Okay, I made him happy. Now I wonder if I can make him Gay…Eh, save that for another day._


End file.
